I was transferring some old VHS tapes over to DVD this weekend…and yes I do know DVDs are on their way out to but it was a good “for now” fix. In doing I took a nostalgic and moving journey.
For those of you that don’t know, I am adopted and met my birth family late in life; or at least some of them. I spent my adult life trying to locate them and when I did it was to find that my mother had passed of cancer not long before I surfaced. Undoubtedly I was thrilled to have found the family that I did but the reality came quickly that the gaping hole of her loss will forever be with me. All those years of searching I at least had the dream of what could be, of who she is, do I look like her, what is she like, what does she like…and in one split second that was all gone with 4 words “Your mom passed away”. Here I sit years later and with a long arduous family journey, some of which is still lingering and much that is now behind me.
So I decide that in the interest of preserving any memories that I have of the family or otherwise that I should do this tape transfer and along the way revisit what I was fortunate enough to have found.
Just when I think that the last thing I’m going to view of her on a tape is getting on a train and leaving my sisters time share…. To my absolute surprise and elation there she is again some time later and this time at my sisters house. I want to freeze the frame and stare at her and maybe I will when the recording is done.
A few minutes later the video is back at the time share and my dad is there with them but no sign of my mom “Arlene”…. I can only presume by this time that my mother has passed as there are no shots of her and the mood is very different.
For those of you that poke fun and feel embarrassed at old family movies; I encourage to watch them, laugh at them, cry with them and remember them. They are a window to cherished moments and days gone by that will never be again.
I’ll keep watching as I know I have several hours of video to re-visit; much of which I had forgotten. And I’ll keep you posted as time goes on.
I imagine along this blogging journey and reflecting on it that more then once I’ll say “could’ve, should’ve would’ve; however despite all that has transpired in years gone by I do want to say Thank you to Debbie, Rudy, my father & brother Robin for all the photos, recordings and those missed times growing up and “memories” that I will now always have.
I promise you this won’t be only a narrative of reflection and sadness but one of life.
I took an old photo of my mother,cropped it and imposed myself into it. I’m not sure how old she is here but I would think I’m a just a but older the she in her photo.
I am at the very least grateful that I can look back at these pictures of her and that one life long question of “Who do I look like” has been answered. Don’t ya think? I would love to have had photos of her when she was really young!
“When she looks in the mirror, we want our daughter to know herself.
It’s hard to face the world when you don’t know where your face came from.” ~Author unknown
For those touched by adoption you can truly appreciate this video.
The quality is not the best but the video is.